PROMETHEAN ANTAGONIST

I realize that posts such as the following take away from attempts to offer a more "professional" format. But...I can't resist.

This is another one of those unprofessional e-mails I've received caricaturing the Democratic contender to the American throne of nonsense. I've added considerably to the list I had received to spark up the humor content. I realize that such exercises in polemic are not objective arguments, but in this case I think a degree of accuracy comes through none the less regarding the social-ist Democrat's Presidential candidate, John Kerry.


I AM JOHN KERRY
I was against the first Iraq war, I am against the second Iraq war, but I voted for it. Now I'm against it but I was for it. I support the UN. I'm against terrorism and against the Iraq war. But I voted for the Iraq war. So, I voted against the first war and supported the second war. What is the sound of one hand clapping?...or was that two hands?

I'm against gay marriage but for gay unions. I support gays but think the SF mayor is wrong. I support gay marriages. No, wait, gay unions. I'm for the teacher's unions and gay unions but I oppose teacher marriage.

I'm Catholic. Wait, I'm Jewish. My dad was Jewish. But I was raised Catholic. What am I? Sometimes I'm God, so I can have any religion I want.

I am for abortions, but wait, I'm Catholic, and Catholics are pro-life. But I might consider putting pro-life judges in office, but I'm not sure. I do know I voted for a pro-life judge, but I stated that it was a mistake. Who's to be the judge.

I went to Vietnam. But I was against Vietnam. I testified against fellow US troops in Vietnam, threw my medals away and led others to do the same. But I am a war hero. Against the war. Actually, I didn't really throw my medals away, just the ribbons. I threw someone else's medals away.

I stated I threw my medals away then I threw my ribbons away. I then revealed that I threw my ribbons away but not my medals, then later I stated that I threw someone else's medals away and never threw anything of mine away. I believe ribbons and medals aren't the same thing. Medals come with ribbons, so now I believe that ribbons and medals are the same thing besides the fact that ribbons are cloth and medals are metal. I'm reporting for duty. I cut my finger the other day and will likely receive a medal...and perhaps a ribbon or two -- which I will throw away.

I wrote a book that pictured the US flag upside-down on its cover. But now I fly and campaign in a plane with a large flag right-side up on it. I'm patriotic. I love the Communist Party of Vietnam and Castro's Cuba. I love their flag. I support Communist marriage.

Yasser Arafat is a hero and a statesman. The Israelis shouldn't kill Palestinian terrorists, but they should stop terrorism. Yasser Arafat is a terrorist supporter. I support Mid East peace. We shouldn't kill terrorists but issue them citations and force them to perform community service. Bush hasn't found Bin Laden but I think I know where he might be. Help me find Bin Laden and you will win a prize.

I am for the common man, unlike Bush. I am against the rich. But my family is worth 300 million dollars has a jet and many SUVs. I am the common man, but if you're the common man, you might be greedy, selfish, and mean-spirited. I speak French...wazzup dude? I'm a common -- French -- man.

I am against sending jobs overseas. My wife is a Heinz heir (Waiter, there's an heir in my ketchup). Heinz has most factories offshore. I am against rewarding companies for exporting jobs as long as it is not Heinz. I want to help the world's poor, I just don't want them to work for American companies -- except Heinz.

I own Wal-Mart stock. I believe Walmart is evil by driving small business owners out of town. I am a capitalist and I own part of Walmart but I am a good guy for small corporate America. I hate the rich, so I don't want to be one anymore. Pass the ketchup.

I am pro-gun. I'm a Marxman, I can shoot guns and I like what Karl Marx had to say about rich people like me.

I own SUVs when I talk to my followers in Detroit. Teresa owns SUVs, I don't, when I talk to environmentalists.

I have a campaign jet that gets 1/3 mpg, which is great fuel efficiency. I would never campaign in an SUV. SUV's can't fly but if I'm President they will. George Bush has failed to make SUV's fly. I have documents to prove it. Please stay tuned for my moveon.org ad that will tell you about Bush's failed plan to make SUV's fly.

I am against making military service an issue in presidential elections.

I defended a draft dodger, Clinton, and stated that all serve in their own capacity whether they dodge the draft or not. Bush was only in the national guard. I had a hole the size of a grapefruit blown in my stomach. I threw the grapefruit away, but not the medals. Clinton served in the Soviet propaganda effort against the war and Bush only served in the national guard. My hair is cool and I play hockey. Can you play hockey? Only common people play hockey.

Did I mention, I served in Vietnam and am a hero?

Are you questioning my patriotism? I served in Vietnam. Even General Giap of the North Vietnamese Communists said I was very helpful with his efforts in Vietnam.

I served, my opponent didn't. I have three purple hearts! I am a hero. I am qualified to run this country since I served. I hardly ever showed up to senate committee hearings but I'll show up at the White House because, if I was President I would live there so, no problem.

I am John Kerry. Do you like white or red wine?

I speak French, I can ski. George Bush is bad. I'm good. I sometimes change my mind. This is called nuance. I look like Herman Munster but I would make an effort to not vote for those items that had been voted for after. Then of course I could wait and perhaps do better.

I'm John Kerry. There's two America's, yours and mine but I want to change that. Peace Bro.